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A Turner Bugler, 2004

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A Model Newspaper.


May/June 1859

From The Missouri Democrat, Wednesday, June 29, 1859.

A Model Newspaper.

Somebody has said, “If a man drink beer, he will think beer.” We are unacquainted with the extent to which the normal character of the human mind may be changed by the kind and quality of its food; but there are phenomena enough around us to predict a wo[e]ful distortion of its powers, if it continue to swallow the food with which it is most liberally supplied. A large, well printed paper in Western New York comes to us within the week, with the following bill of fare. The headings are copied in their order, beginning on the first page. We have omitted only some telegraphic reports and advertisements, which occupy a part of the fourth page:

The end of the world.
Fiendish attempt to set fire to a steamboat.
Water-spout and destruction of life.
Meteor. A living insect cut out of a man’s belly.
Gold discoveries in Indiana.
Kidnapping. Ox killed by a railroad. Infant with a cat’s head.
$2,500 saved in cigar money. Large sale of wool.
Railroad employees paid up.
A dark deed of crime-jealousy and probably murder.
A fight between Saints and Pike’s Peakers. [i.e., Mormons and Colorado gold seekers.]
Case of hydrophobia.
A tale of horror in Utah.
A villain throwing cars from a railway track.
The St. Louis tragedy-Mr. Charless murdered. [Joseph Charless, a prominent St. Louis businessman, was shot and killed by Joseph W. Thornton on Market Street on June 4. Charless had testified against Thornton at a celebrated trial in 1856. Thornton was nearly lynched. Click here to read about it.]
Man nearly killed by a mad bull.
Extensive Post Office frauds.
Two men shot at Chattanooga.
Further particulars of the Fanny Halsey mystery.
Train of cars thrown off-Chicago excursionists in danger.
The year of the locusts-extensive ravage.
The battle of Montebello. [French vs. Austrians in Italy.]
Atrocities of the Austrians.
First battle of Montebello.
Another battle-five days later.
Singular suicide.
150,000 pounds salmon.
Execution of Dr. King.
Three men hung in Hamilton.
Bogus coin.
Eight whites killed by Indians.
Export of cotton-the price of wool.
Particulars of the St. Louis assassination.
The wife poisoning case in New Jersey.
Lynch law in Pike County.
A frog in the stomach three years.
Warning to serenaders.
Horrors of the Smoky Hill route-Emigrants eating each other.
From the frozen regions.
Sudden death in public school.
Another anti-rent excitement.
A progressive clergyman.
Mr. Buchanan receiving his degree of L.L.D. [then-President James Buchanan]
Suicide of Pike’s Peaker.
Ginseng excitement in Minnesota.
Ohio Republican Platform.
Drawing on the President-trouble.
State College farm and building.
White labor on tobacco.
Population of North America.
Growth of animals.
More battles in Italy-fight between American and English sailors.
Kossuth on the war.
Revival of the slave trade.
Rights of naturalized citizens.
Mormons preparing to fight.
Frost-injury to crops.
Tragedy at Oramel.
Attack of rowdies on a Sunday School.
Candidate for Governor in Ohio.
The Italian chief.
Great flood at St. Paul.
Acquisition of Cuba.
Effects of the battle of Montebello.
One thousand dogs killed by cholera.
Trout fishing.
Return of Santa Anna to Mexico.
German sympathy for Austria.
Shooting case in Saratoga county.
Whirlwind and water-spout.
Distressing occurrence.
Elopement with another man’s wife.
An insane girl wandered away.
Incendiary attempt on Rock Island Bridge.
Execution of a wife-murderer.
More murders in Oswego County.
A river’s tale.
Romance of the Lost Island calamity.

We commend the above to the Napoleon of journalists, and his corps of gunmakers, lecturers and poets. There is basis enough for a serial of the most fascinating and thrilling character. The incidents are remarkably fitted for dovetailing with grand effect. For example, “the water-spout” could come along just in time to extinguish the fire on the steamboat, and the meteor could crush the villain, who attempted to throw the Chicago trains off the track. What could be more opportune, than to bring up the 150,000 lbs. of salmon, when the gold seekers on the Smoky Hill route, were casting lots for who should be roasted and eaten by his companions? The sudden death in the public school, might naturally result from carrying a frog in the stomach three years-to go in as a tad-pole, and hop out full grown on the post mortem. The moral instruction to be drawn from the various incidents related, would be an excellent subject for the pen of the Great Laudator.–Century.